I've been sitting here for the past 30 minutes to try and muster up some inspiration for a blog post. Nothing. I decided that I don't have anything to say.
But then I realised I do. I have a lot to say. And as an introvert (and yes despite my ability to speak twice the speed of a normal person and my occasional loudness I am naturally incredibly shy) often the immense amount that I have to say is best said through writing. But often I don't say it. I keep it inside. Or I just talk to my journal about it. My journal never judges.
But today I started pondering why I do that. Why don't I share those things. Why don't I speak up. Multiple times in the past year I have been encouraged to find my voice and to trust my voice. That is some of the best advice I have ever received. To trust my voice means to give meaning and strength behind what I am saying. It is to trust that what I am saying is worth something. It is to believe that I have something worth hearing.
Sometimes I wonder if blogging is a narcissistic habit - expecting people to want to read my thoughts and ramblings. Expecting that my thoughts and words are worthy of peoples time. Sometimes I wonder where the line is between being confident in self and narcissistic. I think we're all a bit narcissistic actually, but that's a topic for another day.
So anyway back to the topic. Actually there is no topic so this post could really be going anywhere. Like into a forest with squirrels that ride along on your shoulder and chatter into your ear. Or into an underground cave full of glow-worms that wave their shiny little bums at you as if that's their favourite thing to do.
*and this is why the majority of my thoughts should stay in my head or in a journal or else one of these days people will realise that I'm actually nuts. But as my sister says insanity is way more fun than being normal.*
I think I'm scared of judgement. I know I'm scared of judgement. I worry that no-one else thinks the way I do, that I am the anomaly in this world. I worry that if people see more of the inside of my head that I will become the outsider, that I won't be liked. To write, to speak, to trust my voice, is to be vulnerable. It is to say "this is me whether you like it or not". And following on, it is to be authentic in my actions, as words without actions mean absolutely nothing.
One of these days I will learn to use my voice. I already am learning. Sometimes my voice needs no words - sometimes it's just hugging the person that everyone else turned their eyes away from in judgement. But in whatever way I speak, through words, actions, blogs, I will always be passionate. Without passion life is sucked out of us. Without passion we are really just on a merry-go-round which isn't even moving. Without passion we stagnate. We die.
I will embrace my voice. One word at a time. I will turn my passion into words and actions. I will speak and shout, sometimes without even using words.