Those are the words that broke me during church this morning.
I am a control freak. I like answers. I need answers. The unknown is scary and seemingly unsafe. To be still is to let go of expectations, of the need for answers, of the ability to control. It is to let go and give control to a being who I know through stories and experiences but that I have never ever sat with face to face. It is maybe having questions unanswered, and being able to live with the fact that they are not answered.
It is trusting the unknown. It is extreme vulnerability.
To be still, to give up this control, is to be completely vulnerable. It is putting complete trust in someone other than yourself.
I'm not good at doing this. I'm terrible at it actually. I fight against it as hard as I can. I try to beat vulnerability away with my giant control stick and tell myself that I'm protecting myself. When really all I'm actually doing is shrinking away behind my walls that I put up.
I fight against mystery, unknown, being out of control. But isn't that what faith is? Isn't it the mystery and the unknown that makes faith what it is? Trust in a higher power. Hope that there is more than this.
Brene Brown said this:
"I trust neither the scientists nor the theologians who say we must choose between science and faith. They've abandoned the heart of both - mystery and curiosity."This is scary. And it's far from easy. It means giving up what I've strived towards - knowing, controlling, protecting. It's being vulnerable to hurt, yet also to love. It's opening ourselves up to something much bigger than ourselves - but it's the unknown of that something which makes it so very scary.
I wish I was one of those people who just accepted vulnerability and mystery and could live with that. I'm not saying I'm the opposite - that I have all the answers. I don't even like those people who seem to have all the easy answers. I think it's that I'm so aware about the mystery and unknown. I'm so aware of how that affects me, how vulnerable it makes me.
So I fight it. I kick and scream and battle. I hold onto control as hard as I can, even if it is just making everything worse. It is not until I'm at my lowest point that I finally cave into vulnerability, surrender, being still.
I wish I was one of those fast learners. An embracer. I'm not. As soon as I feel strong enough again I start to fight against it again, start to try taking back control. I am never still for too long.
I just hold onto the hope that one day I will learn and accept. That I will be able to conquer that fear of being out of control. That I will learn to trust beyond anything. I hope to learn to be still.