I am a Christian.
However I still hurt. I still struggle. I still question. I don’t deny that this world is full of pain and injustice. Sometimes it’s hard to see a God in all of that.
I carry around scars. Scars from a time in my life when, yes, I was a Christian. Yet I still fought a battle. I fought for the will to live. I fought to merely survive.
I fight battles every day. I doubt myself. Sometimes I question and doubt God.
I am not perfect and I never will be. No-one can be. I’m as broken, fragile, and imperfect as every other person in this crazy world.
I no longer hope to be perfect. Now, instead, my hope is that I can be authentic, wholehearted. I will ask for help when I need it. I will be honest when I’m struggling. I will be real with the world.
It’s time for me to remove the mask. It’s time for a lot of people to remove their masks as well. I know that I can no longer survive in my own little whitewashed world of perfection. Only through honesty and authenticity and brokenness can I truly relate and live.
Some say God is a crutch. I wonder what is really wrong with that. I know I couldn’t survive without him holding me up. Every day I see and hear need and tragedy and hurt. Every day I sit with people and wonder at how some survive their circumstances. I know there has to be a God in this somehow. I know for sure there is a God. I know because I am still alive.
I can’t give pat answers anymore. They don’t help anyone, me included. Sometimes there are questions that I don’t know the answers to. I just have faith that God does. I have faith that God is bigger than all of this. I believe He is authentic and genuine and that I cut myself off from that part of Him through wearing these masks, acting in this ‘perfection’.
So for me it’s time to be naked with myself, God, and others. No more hiding. No more covering. No more shame. Just grace, forgiveness, mercy, acceptance. Just me. Whole, imperfect, and created by God. That is all I need to be.