I'm great at distracting, ignoring, avoiding. I've always done this in so many ways that it's almost become a way of life. Sadly defences are never helpful forever. There's always a time when they begin to hurt more than they help. If only it was easy to unlearn those defences. Sadly, for me anyway, they have already become habit, normal. Another way of living is forgotten and unknown.
So now is my time to stop avoiding. To remember that I am strong enough to face things. To remember that others are there to help me along as well.
I've learned that defences never only effect me, even if I can't see it. I avoided telling friends and family when I was going through one of the hardest battles I've ever faced. I wanted to avoid the shame of imperfection and keep it all hidden until I was fixed and better again. I avoided the hurts of my past until they grew into a monster that began eating away at me. And sometimes I avoid simply because I don't feel like I have the capacity to face life in that moment.
This avoidance worked for a time. It kept me functioning. It did its job. But I kept going, growing and maturing, and avoidance came along for the ride.
Sometimes I ignore how I feel for the fear that I may be overwhelmed. I avoid telling others that my world isn't all sunshine and rainbows because I don't want to burden or worry others. I avoid the vulnerability because it has never seemed safe. It's scary and everyone else seems to avoid it too.
But I'm at the place where I can't do that anymore. I want to be real, with myself and with others. Yes I may get hurt, but I might also have the most incredible, honest, authentic relationships too. It's not easy, but then again what worthwhile thing is easy?
So this is my new mission, my challenge. I will be real with myself and with what I'm feeling and what I need. I will be real with others with where I'm at. And now, posting this for the whole world to see, I will have accountability.
I will accept imperfection, both my own and others. I will see vulnerability as courage. I will tear down my walls, brick by brick, and let both others and myself see me, accept me, care for me.
This is the most honest post I've written and pressing that little publish button is my first step of vulnerability (aka courage). There are many who have inspired, influenced, and encouraged me towards this point and for that I thank you. You know who you are xx
Edited: This blog post was also inspired by this talk by Brene Brown: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html